When It Just "Feels" Right

This is my own personal story on how I started on my spiritual journey, or "woke up" as it were.

I was raised Christian.  Or, at least, that was the attempt, by my father.  My mother was decidedly not Christian, or at least very unorthodox in her belief in the Abrahamic deity or Jesus, for as long as I can remember.  I don't ever recall a time where she wasn't giving tarot readings, for example, or otherwise interested in metaphysics.

Mom's family was Catholic, at least in name (grandpa and great grandma actually practiced, but grandma was "in name only" pretty much).  She attended a Baptist high school, and it was during this time that she met my father, playing the piano at the Baptist church just down the street.

They split when I was around 6 months old, and it is apparently around this time where my mother lost her faith in traditional Christianity and started on a different, more fulfilling for her, path.  But, that's HER story to tell.

From there, my father endeavored to raise me to be a "good Christian" lady.  I love dad to death, but... me thinks he may have failed ;).  My mother, afraid of rocking the boat too much, decided to wait until I was much much older to object to the idea that this was the "only way". 

Though I don't remember this, my mother says that she caught me reading tarot with her deck when I was only 3 or 4.  All I know/remember is that Christianity and all that it proposed simply didn't ring true for me.  I tried.  Believe me I tried.  I was a child after all, and I desperately wanted to please my parents, especially (since it was sooooo important to him, though not to mom) my father.

So, even though I didn't connect with that version of the divine.... even though I never felt "called" by that god.... even though the Bible didn't "speak" to me..... no matter how hard I wanted to believe, it just wasn't happening.  Still, I had been told (by a parent and parents never lie right?) that this was the way it is.  I was told that, like it or not, believe it or not, this is what it was and all other spiritual possibilities were entirely false, without ability to question.

I kept trying.  I kept praying to this deity, without answer.  I kept hoping and wishing, to no avail.

Then, I went to a Lutheran elementary school, from the age of around 9 to about 12.  I memorized biblical passages.  I went to church regularly.  I studied how "wrong" every other religion or spiritual path was and why.  And, though it was obviously not the teacher's goal, that study was the first time I really understood that there were other options.

By the time we'd reached that study, I had decided that there was no God.  If there were, he would surely answer me once in a while, right?  I'd feel SOMETHING... if he were there?

Ancient Egypt had always held a strange kind of a pull for me.  It's hard to describe, it just ... "felt like home".  So, I started studying it more.  I studied various forms of witchcraft and Wicca, when I started working in a New Age shop that my mother and her friend ran at around this time (age 12 or so), right about the time I would be leaving the Lutheran school that made me feel nothing but depression, anger, bullying, etc.

Still, I didn't find my answer.  I didn't need it to be definitive.  I just needed SOMETHING.  I needed SOME kind of answer, even if it made no logical sense.  Even if it could be an illusion, I needed God to answer me, because atheism didn't feel right either.  I couldn't CHOOSE to believe the Bible, and I couldn't CHOOSE to not believe in (a) deity.  But, I still couldn't find what I needed in order to feel spiritually "whole".

One day, as I was sitting on the floor of my bedroom, I was examining a double terminated quartz wand that my mother had given me.  It was pretty, but had so far not done much for me.  I was depressed (yep, kids feel depression too).  I was crying.  I felt completely lost, and I couldn't see the light on the other end of life's tunnel.

But, I realized that I had thus far been trying to connect to a Christianized version of deity.  With all the studying I'd done, I had approached it, whether consciously or subconsciously, from more of a scholarly point of view.  I was still clinging to the idea of appeasing my father and forcing myself to believe in HIS God.  And, now I found myself in a "pit of despair" (hey - anyone get the reference??).

I had finally reached "rock bottom", literally, in a spiritual sense.  It was the end of the line, and it was now or never.  So, I let go of the idea that it had to be an answer from dad's God or none at all.  I let go of the idea that there was no other version besides monotheism.  I let go of the idea that "playing with rocks" was just silly.  And, I took a chance.

I held the quartz wand up to my forehead (third eye really) and I started to pray.  But, this time, I prayed differently.  I didn't direct it at any particular version of deity.  I didn't have any pre-conceived notions about what I wanted.  I just prayed, "Please... whoever.... whatever may be out there.... if you exist at all.... I just need a little help."

And, FINALLY, after so much study, after searching for so long, I got an answer.

A powerful wave of feminine feeling energy poured onto me.  It was warm and comforting.  My crying instantly ceased.  And I heard a voice, in the back of my head, not my own, gentle and strong.  And she said, "It's going to be okay, I'm here."

And that was it!  That was all I needed.  There were a lot of things still that I needed to work on within myself and for myself, but spiritually I knew I was okay.  From that moment, I really started to heal.  And, I felt whole.  And, I was home.

Keeping an Altar With Kids in the House

It can be difficult to keep an altar, when you have little kids running about.  Even slightly older children (8 or 9) get curious, want to play with the things you have up there, etc.  And, animals too can get in the way and/or hurt themselves on what you have on your altar.

The first thing you can do, to help with these concerns, is put your altar up on a higher surface (fireplace mantle, etc.).  I have mine on top of a rather high dresser in my room.  Given it's height and location within the room, items are kept "out of sight, out of mind" for the most part, and it's too high to encourage the kids to play with it, or the cats to jump all the way up there when there are other surfaces, closer to the window.  ;)

Another thing you could do is to place your altar in a location not easily accessible to children.  For instance, if you have your office closed most of the time, with a child gate up so that your toddler can't play with your computer or the plugs.

You may also wish to consider the kinds of items you have on your altar, to prevent injury to any of your loved ones.  An athame is a pretty standard component of most altars, but they're not a good idea when you have children running around.  They'll be naturally curious, and you certainly don't want them playing with that!  Chalices as well might not be such a fab. idea.  Kids will want to drink out of them, or wash barbies hair with them, or...

There are other ways to represent the divine feminine and/or divine masculine energy upon your altar.  One such alternative, and I know many of you already do it, is to simply have a silver candle for the feminine and a gold candle for the masculine (left unlit, unless in ritual).

For me, that alone didn't seem personal enough.  And, I don't know if you've run into this, but gold and silver candles are really hard for me to find.  When I do find them, from new age suppliers, they are much more expensive than any other colored (or white) candle!  So, I decided to go with a representation that would be much more personal, and much more permanent (no worries about either injury OR melted wax, the kids eating the candles, etc.).

I went to a craft store and purchased two wooden, UNfinished candle stick holders.  I also purchased some non-toxic paint that would work for wood projects.  I bought silver and gold paint, along with white, yellow, and orange.  While concentrated on what these would be solely used for (i.e. concentrating on the Goddess while doing the silver candle, the God while doing the gold candle), I went home and painted the unfinished candle stick holders.

I painted one of the holders silver.  When that one dried, I used the white paint to paint a moon symbol on it.  The other holder I painted gold.  When that was dry, I painted a yellow (with orange accents) sun on the side.

Now I can use these with white candles (MUCH easier to find), or with the gold/silver when I can.

I'm a pretty creative person, but I really suck and drawing anything.  Honestly, I can mess up stick figures for cryin' out loud!  So, if I can do something like that and have it look pretty decent, anyone can.  In the end though, it doesn't matter how awesome it does or does not look.  What matters here is that it's personal to you and the divine, and that it represents what you need it to represent, while still being as safe as is humanly possible for and around your family.