Sunday, August 15, 2010

When It Just "Feels" Right

This is my own personal story on how I started on my spiritual journey, or "woke up" as it were.

I was raised Christian.  Or, at least, that was the attempt, by my father.  My mother was decidedly not Christian, or at least very unorthodox in her belief in the Abrahamic deity or Jesus, for as long as I can remember.  I don't ever recall a time where she wasn't giving tarot readings, for example, or otherwise interested in metaphysics.

Mom's family was Catholic, at least in name (grandpa and great grandma actually practiced, but grandma was "in name only" pretty much).  She attended a Baptist high school, and it was during this time that she met my father, playing the piano at the Baptist church just down the street.

They split when I was around 6 months old, and it is apparently around this time where my mother lost her faith in traditional Christianity and started on a different, more fulfilling for her, path.  But, that's HER story to tell.

From there, my father endeavored to raise me to be a "good Christian" lady.  I love dad to death, but... me thinks he may have failed ;).  My mother, afraid of rocking the boat too much, decided to wait until I was much much older to object to the idea that this was the "only way". 

Though I don't remember this, my mother says that she caught me reading tarot with her deck when I was only 3 or 4.  All I know/remember is that Christianity and all that it proposed simply didn't ring true for me.  I tried.  Believe me I tried.  I was a child after all, and I desperately wanted to please my parents, especially (since it was sooooo important to him, though not to mom) my father.

So, even though I didn't connect with that version of the divine.... even though I never felt "called" by that god.... even though the Bible didn't "speak" to me..... no matter how hard I wanted to believe, it just wasn't happening.  Still, I had been told (by a parent and parents never lie right?) that this was the way it is.  I was told that, like it or not, believe it or not, this is what it was and all other spiritual possibilities were entirely false, without ability to question.

I kept trying.  I kept praying to this deity, without answer.  I kept hoping and wishing, to no avail.

Then, I went to a Lutheran elementary school, from the age of around 9 to about 12.  I memorized biblical passages.  I went to church regularly.  I studied how "wrong" every other religion or spiritual path was and why.  And, though it was obviously not the teacher's goal, that study was the first time I really understood that there were other options.

By the time we'd reached that study, I had decided that there was no God.  If there were, he would surely answer me once in a while, right?  I'd feel SOMETHING... if he were there?

Ancient Egypt had always held a strange kind of a pull for me.  It's hard to describe, it just ... "felt like home".  So, I started studying it more.  I studied various forms of witchcraft and Wicca, when I started working in a New Age shop that my mother and her friend ran at around this time (age 12 or so), right about the time I would be leaving the Lutheran school that made me feel nothing but depression, anger, bullying, etc.

Still, I didn't find my answer.  I didn't need it to be definitive.  I just needed SOMETHING.  I needed SOME kind of answer, even if it made no logical sense.  Even if it could be an illusion, I needed God to answer me, because atheism didn't feel right either.  I couldn't CHOOSE to believe the Bible, and I couldn't CHOOSE to not believe in (a) deity.  But, I still couldn't find what I needed in order to feel spiritually "whole".

One day, as I was sitting on the floor of my bedroom, I was examining a double terminated quartz wand that my mother had given me.  It was pretty, but had so far not done much for me.  I was depressed (yep, kids feel depression too).  I was crying.  I felt completely lost, and I couldn't see the light on the other end of life's tunnel.

But, I realized that I had thus far been trying to connect to a Christianized version of deity.  With all the studying I'd done, I had approached it, whether consciously or subconsciously, from more of a scholarly point of view.  I was still clinging to the idea of appeasing my father and forcing myself to believe in HIS God.  And, now I found myself in a "pit of despair" (hey - anyone get the reference??).

I had finally reached "rock bottom", literally, in a spiritual sense.  It was the end of the line, and it was now or never.  So, I let go of the idea that it had to be an answer from dad's God or none at all.  I let go of the idea that there was no other version besides monotheism.  I let go of the idea that "playing with rocks" was just silly.  And, I took a chance.

I held the quartz wand up to my forehead (third eye really) and I started to pray.  But, this time, I prayed differently.  I didn't direct it at any particular version of deity.  I didn't have any pre-conceived notions about what I wanted.  I just prayed, "Please... whoever.... whatever may be out there.... if you exist at all.... I just need a little help."

And, FINALLY, after so much study, after searching for so long, I got an answer.

A powerful wave of feminine feeling energy poured onto me.  It was warm and comforting.  My crying instantly ceased.  And I heard a voice, in the back of my head, not my own, gentle and strong.  And she said, "It's going to be okay, I'm here."

And that was it!  That was all I needed.  There were a lot of things still that I needed to work on within myself and for myself, but spiritually I knew I was okay.  From that moment, I really started to heal.  And, I felt whole.  And, I was home.


Wren said...

Wow. I had no idea how you originally chose your path. Intense!

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